I had my first going away party with Lolo and her friends. It was gas craic… seriously, I haven’t had fun like that in a very long time. Not that going to fibbers isn’t fun, it is… but I haven’t felt a comfy as that with ppl in a long time… usually I’m comfy more on a one-on-one basis (cept with A1, lately I’m with her and i’m just waiting for her to suddenly start on lolo or one of her friends hating her, like I can do anything about that and you can’t argue with that girl, ever… she’s slowly driving my insane and away.. and then she’ll blame that on lolo too….) but lolo’s friends are just…. themselves. They don’t care bout drama (cept PD and HH…PD’s got trust issues) and they just hangout and have fun.. and it was nice! We met in the gin palace, they other had a round of Tequila (cept lolo, she gave hers to J) and I ended up taking a mouthful of vodka and coke (………) I know!!! I know!!! SxE and all…. But it’s not like I’m going to be drinking it… I took a mouth full cos HH was wondering if there actually WAS an vodka in it, so gave it to me cos I’d recognise a difference and there was vodka… very weak vodka, but vodka… They took me to the George after that. It was my third time being there and it was Brilliant! I actually danced, like really danced. In Public. And loved it!!! We stayed until lolo need food so bad she bought pizza at one place and ate it waking down to burger king where she bought a full meal which we took back home with us… and then talked for ages till she fell asleep….. It was an Amazing night. And now I have my second going away party with my girlies on Friday to look forward too….

Tonight I found something, a musical something and I felt actually like myself for the first time since before the leaving cert…. I heard Placebo’s new singles… Placebo are officially my most inspiring band EVER!! The songs are just epic and Brian has grown his hair!!!! It’s below his shoulders! It’s like old school Placebo again… Just without steve… And you can feel the lack of steve in the music.. but it’s still soo good….And makes me feel sooo good….

Sometimes I feel like people and things are moving on faster and I’m staying where I am… Or I’m moving odwn one road and other are moving down another….. and yet the expect me to be on the same road, walking beside them and act accordingly. But I’m not.. I’m all the way down the other street and I’m not see the same buildings or shopping in the same shops or meeting the sem ppl. And I’m not acting the same way ppl on that street act…. So why don’t people get that?

Also… I hate to say it, but I don’t think I believe A1 this time round.. I thinks hse did say stuff to set Lolo off and then preceded to think everything that was said was directed at her after… even if it wasn’t. and I think she said something to F in front of J and Lolo and they’ve told HH and PD.. and I think they have every right to be angry about it. But I have no proof of either… I can’t say A1 is lying and I can’t say Lolo is either… I also can’t say either are telling the truth for the simple fact that I wasn’t there for either (even though A1 insists that I was the only one she mentioned stuff to about F and not to his face…. but I can’t remember her saying anything to me on O’Connell street at all… and then she goes and says that it must have been what Janeth said that the heard… but janeth said something completely different and something that they wouldn’t have minded at all…… and this confuses and hurts me somewhat)…

And the thing is… I feel like believing Lolo more, not because she’s my girlfriend but because she understands that I can’t believe both or not believe both. She gets that I wasn’t there and can’t do anything and doesn’t expect me to choose between either of them… While A1 keeps pushing her case and is expecting me to believe her and choose her story over Lolo’s purely on the fact that she’s my friend… And I know the whole “Hoes before Bros” or whatever it is…. But I really do Love Lolo, and I wont choose and she shouldn’t expect me too… and she says she’s only disliked her for the time Lolo “started on her” but I know she didn’t like her from the beginning, when she thought she was a player who just wanted ot do me and run…. And she just kept that attitude about it. And also when she realised that Lolo wasn’t going to be like the other ppl she knows who instantly adore her and that she wouldn’t be able to make friends with her so she could be part of that aspect of my life too (cos she’s tried to make friends and even did make Friends with anyone I’ve made friends with, if I mention them more than once she’ll try and befriend them like she wants in on everyones friends too so she isn’t left out of anything, she added Jade as a friend… before anything ever happened, which it then didn’t in the end anyway) and so she dislikes her. She’s done it before too… she use to like A3 loadsa nd thought she was really cool, till I told her I fancied A3 and she hung out with us on day and suddenly she thought she was annoying and up her own arse and was pestering my about it so to shut her up I said I thought A3 was annoying too… which isn’t true… she can be overwhelming at times.. but I don’t dislike the girls at all….

And now I just can’t stand the thought of talking to A1 cos I just want to scream at her about all this to which she will throw it all back in my face and tell me all the stuff she doesn’t like about Lolo ” I don’t see how you two have anything in common.. she just seems to snog you in front of us. Like she’s rubbing it our face that you’re her’s or something and can do what she wants with…” SHE’S MY GIRLFRIEND!!!! OF COURSE SHE SNOGS ME, ShE LIKES BEING AFFECTIONATE!!!!!…. It’s a gay thing, we were repressed so now that we’re not we’re more open about it cos we can be and no one can stop us…. its a culture thing…. of Course A1 would just tell me that I’m not like that and other ppl aren’t and that gays like that should just get over themselves… like her dislike for the black Disney princess in the Princess and the Frog cos it’s “not historically accurate”.. It’s a fucking Disney film for little girls…. they aren’t historically accurate and Disney have had all other nationalities and I think black girls deserve a Disney princess the same colour as them…. A1 also believed that gay ppl took up half the population (we’re actually approx. 6.5%) and that there was no real discrimination towards us (see civil partnership bill) and that there was no such thing as separated communities it is just Us and the ppl who dislike gays (this last one is another example of A1 trying not to be left out of anything in my life… or anyones life I’m sure she does this to others as well)

Urgh… just sometimes I want to scream…ya know? I just wanna tell her where she can go… but I don’t. I used not to get angry with her cos I believed that ppl were only friends with me cos of her (cos I’ve always been “A1′s friend”..not Lara, ya kno?) and that if I was angry with her and told her to fuck off or whatever then she’d go to everyone else and tell them I was a bitch to her and then they’d stop being friends with me and I’d be alone again…. I hate being alone. It’s one of the things I hate the most… is having no one….Which is why I Love Lolo so much, cos she loves me, openly, without any question. She doesn’t expect anything from me. I know she loves me cos, her friend J brought me aside on Saturday and told me that she was made about me and wont shut up about me and thanked me for being with her cos she’s never seen Lolo so happy… And I know that Janeth is reading this and you Janeth were the exception to the rule. I knew and know that you are always there for me, even if I do have the fight of all fights with A1 and never talk to her again.. you’ll still be my friend. You’ll have to to around A1 but you’ll still do it.

And now I’m starting to realise that the others will do the same… they will still talk to me and hangout.. just without A1…. they do actually like me for me…. And not all my friends like A1… A3 hates her… and GS only hangout with her cos of me (he said this himself)…. But then I don’t feel like having a fight at all… I’m just not in the mood… But I still don’t like where A1 wont talk about stuff yet it hangs in the air like laundry washing in dirty water over us the whole time we talk… but when we do she just refused to discuss anything and just throws your argument back in you’re face it’s like the adult and ultimate version of “I know you are but what am I?” and it’s fucking frustrating….. I and feel a bit better now that it’s down on a computer screen and I even cried a bit while writing it…..

I can’t think of anything else to write.. so I shall leave it for now with this parting gift..

The song of Saturday night!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Hg-IRZk4D0
HH’s favourite song that was unfortunately butchered by a the tall girl in Karaoke!

I’ve met two girls. One, is amazing. She’s the same age as me, she’s just out aswell (as in activally out, I’m pretty sure she’s known she’s a lesbian for a while), she’s a photographer, She likes animals, she loves sci-fi and David Hewlett movies! She just really nice! But, she’s also, distant, not used to dating, nervous, according to her friend she’s found ways of sabotaging every relationship she’s had, even be they’ve started and I she doesn’t talk much about anything without being pushed to do so.

The second girl is… a butch to begin with, oh is she a butch.. she’s built like a rasher (streak of bacon if yu will) and is a three star in the Irish Army. But I’m not too sure what exactly she is in the army (M.P, Infantry, Artillery, Cavalry, etc). She likes horse riding to.. and is a very good kisser. Not that the first girl isn;t but.. ya know… She dislikes that I droped out of my PLC course, she finds my work boring and only wanted me for sex.. till I refused, didn’t call her for two days and then she asked me out. I turned her down because of the other girl.

And even though girl One is complacated and girl Two is scary and kind of assholish… I still like both of them. There is just something about both of them. One feels just right for me and the other is just so damn sexual. I bet sex with her is amazing.. but I don’t do that. You have work damn hard to get me! Is this fucked up? I don’t know… And I can’t choose which one to pursue more… I know I’ve turned down Two, but I still don’t know if I made the right choice!?

In other news: I’m going to the DCU production of RENT in the Olympia in June with Ste. I can’t wait for that! Our friend Aaron is Understuding for the part of Roger. Yay for him!

Also… I have to give this computer back to the college on Friday. So I’ll be away for a while till I get a new one, goddess knows when that’ll be!

“Is dropping out all that bad? Janeth did it (job in Ice cream place), Ste did it (job in M&S… I think I’m seeing a pattern here). I’d rather have dropped out cos I hated it and it wasn’t right for me then just say I failed (cos it implies I may have liked the place). How am I supposed to be a writer when I can’t write up anything they give me or think of my own stuff? I’m regretting my decision on finishing. I should have said yes when mom asked me if I really didn’t want to stay.

A3 is the biggest control freak and thinks people should listen to her and do everything she says. But she made me dislike her. She pushed me away with the constant nagging. The more she nagged the less I wanted to bother. P makes me feel like I’m back in High school. I keep thinking she’s fifteen years old. Steve, I’m going to miss. He’s genuinely lovely. Doesn’t comment on whether I’m up to par or not. He doesn’t question everything I do. And he doesn’t bullshit about stuff. He’s a good guy. D and Pad are lovely people, who shouldn’t have to deal with the shit that keeps happening. I’m hoping they don’t hate me for all this. I don’t like people hating me when I’m not to make them. Hate me, I mean. And besides, it’s really none of their business. A4 can hate me though, if she wants. I don’t really care about her. She was hardly ever there anyway. C2 I do care though. He critics my work and asks questions which are completely useless for the process I use for writing. K, I’ll miss too. He’s a great guy and I loved the class, just hated the subject or the work. F, reminds me of Ms. Dune in Scoil Áine (Students wished to die when in her class, I never had her) or Burges in Santa Sabina (Urgh, that woman!). But she’s alright and my tutor and I should talk this out with her too. Sean and kiss my arse and then fuck off to hell. S is strange and probably disappointed and pissed off (I’ve given her no work at all) but I don’t really mind if she is cos I found her class boring as fuck. E scares me and I fear his wraith a bit, even if he looks like Bret Anderson for Suede. Is that everyone? I never went to any of that poet N’s classes. Hmmm… I may be fucked for exams anyway.

While I am writing this (in my note book, at the benches outside the Stephen’s Green centre bathrooms) people stare. They’re staring at the girl in her coat, sitting writing outside the Jacks in a shopping centre that’s not fully open yet (it’s like quarter to 10). I feel like J (like you were in 5^th/6^th year Janeth, except your view was while drawing was better then this). The guy taking the money for the loos is looking at me. Strange things end up happening when contemplating the end of this short era. This short, horrible, life destroying era. Mom me this morning to think positive, to keep some happiness in my life. How can one stay happy (or fake happy) in a place one dislikes immensely? Seriously, the place makes my chest hurt and my stomach turn. How can I be happy, with any of it, even the final result? I fucked it all up, not doing any of the work. I should take the coat off, but I know that if I do, I’ll stop thinking of what to write here and just have to put it back on and leave again. How long will I stay here before I leave and go home? But I’ve just taken it off. This is easier to write now, go figure. And to breathe. Yes, I’ve needed to breathe for a while now. I’ve been stifled, in the college too. Hell, I’ve needed to get out of this country and breathe again for ages, years even. Bathroom man is Polish (surprised? I think not, I’ve also named him Jacques, cos it’s cool and he’s taking the money for the Jacks). This is the most I’ve written in sometime. I think my leaving cert. that makes it almost a year now. Maybe the thought of dropping out is making it easier. There’s a guy in a brown leather jacket staring at me, but he’s just left now. Jacques has a friend, their talking in polish (at least I think it’s polish). It might be about work or gay sex (Jacques, sounds a bit gay and my gay-dar is usually very good) or it could just be about the freaky little girl who’s been sitting on the bench alone since before Jacques arrived before 10 this morning, writing and people watching. But I don’t mind that. It’s alright cos I don’t know Jacques and his friend (I’m calling him Jean, cos both toilet guys, the Jacks and the John… get it? Oh, never mind) Janeth, you and A1 still haven’t replied to my texts yet. But it’s early and your probably in bed still, or in your case Janeth work (yum… ice-cream, oh and stupid hair lady…). They’ve just opened Asha; I can see it across the way. And 98FM are playing on the speakers. And my hand is hurting. Think it’s safe to go home yet?”

Since this was written, I’ve thought about it allot. My mom really wants me to finish it, keeps talking about how it’ll look bad on my CV (like putting down I did a course and failed it would look much better). My grandparents want me to do it. My Aunts and Uncles probably want me to do it. Everyone fucking wants me to do it. Except me, and my closest friends. They understand that if you dislike something, you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Not if you’re not getting anything out of it except a low feeling and an inability to write anything anymore… I ask A1 if she remembered my writing poetry in school, “You know how I used to write my poetry in school?” “Yeah,” she had replied in the tone that clearly states DUH! “Like ALL the time.” And it was true, Irish, Maths, History and sometimes English were basically, Lara’s writing time (I planned the entire concept and character design and half the world history of my FUISIHA novel while I was studying for the Leaving Cert.). That’s when I did my best work, or at night, like now I’m typing this up for my blog at 3.25am on Thursday the 10 of April. I haven’t written a poem since May last year (I’m never good in the summer, too many people wanting to do stuff and my mom wanting me to clean the house.). I haven’t written any poetry, which was my main focus. And it’s their fault! I sat down; I TRIED to write something, anything. But nothing, I have nothing, because they took it. They sucked all the creative flow from me and gave my work I can’t stand and with not motivation or inspiration to work with and expect me to actually give them something!? I… am an Artist. Not just a Journalist or script writer form a crappy Soap Opera (Fair City for those of you wondering.) or a Novelist who I have never had any proof of publishing and yet he sits there asking my questions I can’t answer about my work yet because I work differently to him! I don’t want to do this, this way. When I look back now, all I see is a mistake. A mistake I’m not going to want to put down on my CV because people will ask questions about it at interviews and all I want to do is forget it.

I’ve learned something from this though. Try and you will see is the first. You know yourself better then other people is another and girls still act like its high school and everyone has some vendetta against them or they make up stuff to make themselves feel better or get attention… I want to work with ADULTS! Proper adults or at least mature people… I want to be somewhere new and start over. I want to never have to look at Inchicore College again for as long as I live. I want people to stop nagging me and pushing opinions on me and not respecting my decisions. I want everyone to stop thinking about my future career and CV and making money, it’s my life and thank you for the help but I will make it I know that. I want to stop feeling like everyone else is on the bus and it just left me, watching it drive away…

My Favourite…

Car : VW Mini Van
Actor : David Hewlett
Actress : Lori Petty
Animal : Cat
Color : Purple
Cuisine : Italian
Food Item : Strawberry Cheese cake
Person : Kate Hewlett
Drink : Coke
Song : Life less Ordinary – Carbon Leaf
Book : Lost Souls – Poppy Z. Brite
Movie : Who framed Roger Rabbit?
TV Show : Stargate Atlantis
Quote : Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. – Dr. Seuss
Sport : Rugby
Sportsperson : N/A
Sports Team : Cardiff Blues (dont kill me)
Ice Cream Flavor : Chocolate
Music Band : Placebo/ AFI
Season : Autumn
Vacation Place : Venice
Video Game : N/A
Music Gadget : MP3
Music Album : Without you I’m Nothing – Placebo
Juice : Apple
Website : Dunno…
Hobby : Thinkng
Holiday : Summer
Bird : Robin
Fruit : Strawberry
Restaurant : Anything cheap
Magazine : Diva
Candy : Sour sweets
Clothing Brand : N/A
Fragrance : Anything Vanilla
Number : 137
Day : Saturday
Month : June
Country : Wales
City : Cardiff

I don’t knoe if this is interesting… I’m writing some stuff for work (when I say work I mean my novel) so I’m throwing stuff together to update stuff….. I can’t wait for summer, I really can’t….

I went to wales, yes. I had my interview, yes. It was very nice. the campus was lovely the people really friendly. They asked me questions that i could answer, told me about the course (it’s amazing) and then after it I nerded out at the plas and the Doctor who Exhibit…. It was all the best day ever.. Even after I had to stay over night in the Hotel cos the fog came in and they cancelled our plane.. it was still great….

But on Wednesday (25th) I got an email, and …. I GOT IN!!! THEY GAVE ME AN UNCONDITIONAL OFFER!!!!!! I’M GOING TO CARDIFF!!!!!

I’m so fucking happy it’s unbelievable… I can’t wait! All I have to think about now is grants and Bursaries and basically money….

But at the moment, I don’t care cos I got in and It’s amazing!!!!

I’m off to my Interview for UWIC!! My plane leaves at 8.25am and my Interview is at 13.30, so lets hope for the best (if I have time, I’m dragging my mom to the Doctor Who museum in the Red Dragon centre and taking a photo of the Tourist office for Craig!)!

In less interesting news…. I have no love life, I’m behind on college work, I feel like everything is moving forward and I’m stuck where I am or that everything is running away from me and I can’t catch up with any of it, oh and I was supposed to meet Stuart for Hot Chocolate this week but I’m so busy that it’s postpone it till next week….

In the whole “exploring the Lesbian in the Bisexual” part of my world…. I need to get out more. To more Gay/Bisexual orientated clubs/pubs/nights out. Any Irish Lesbians/Bisexual girls out there know of any? In addition to this choice and probably to help be able to keep up with it, I have made it an excuse to do my Intercultural Studies end of year Project on Gay Culture in Ireland, so I have to find these place/nights anyway as part of my research. If anyone could help with some information of theirs or even allowing an interview or just be willing to answer questions if I have any along the way, I’d love ya’s forever!

I now have to get some sleep and then I’m up at the ass crack of dawn! Can we say Yay? ( I mean it this time )

I got an email, from Cardiff!!

So, shaking, I clicked it and it opened… “Hi Lara, ” it began. Hi! Like I was a friend they were chatting to… So I read the email and… I have an Interview for Creative Writing and English on the 20th Feb! I actually Cried. I don’t even know why, but I cried!

So today, I book my flight to Cardiff for the interview. Ah, the hassle of living in Ireland and wanting to study abroad…. Lets be thankful that I didn’t want to got study in the states of something…

I’m actually so excited about it.. I really want this, REALLY want it. The closest thing to a BA(Hons) in Creative Writing here is English, Media and Cultural Studies in IADT (which wont accept me for this particular course because I’m a PLC student, which is stupid cos the course in my PLC is Creative writing and Cultural studies but what we actually do in the courses is English, Media and Cultural Studies. It’s the same courses but ones a degree and mines equal to a leaving cert) or English Studies in Trinity (Who are so stuck up there own arse, not the students per-say, but the college itself yes, they do not let ANY PLC students into ANY of their courses, ever!!) So I turned to UCAS and I’ve want to go and live in Wales for two years now..

So I’m hoping against all hope that I’ll get into UWIC!!

In other, slightly (but not by much) less exciting news; It was my Birthday on Tuesdaythe 3rd!!!! I’m 19! Yay! And I’ve had two Gatherings (yes the capital G is supposed to be there) I planned myself. First one was on the 7th, in Front Lounge (which isn’t a Lesbian bar, per-say, but is has allot of lesbian customers) with all my closest girls. It was a good night, thought have the people wh said they’d come, canceled on the day, or just didn’t show up. and the second one was on the 12th in Fibbers, which ALL my friends were invited to and most came but again some didn’t…. all in all they were good nights…

Oh, and since then I’ve developed a cold/flu… that I still have now! Yay.. sickness!

Bisexual Flag

See, I’ve been thinking and since Stuart dumbed me, I’ve felt less of an attraction to have a boyfriend. Now, that could be because I’m upset, but really I’m Bi, have known I was since I was about 12 and I know I like women already. This is merely swearing off men for at least a year cos I can’t face the macho caveman bullshit and their indecisiveness over the whole thing.

And why shouldn’t I explore a part of my sexuality I haven’t had the chance to cos it’s not like I was going to find willing girlfriends in an Catholic All Girl’s Convent School! Nope. So I start now, at the beginning of the rest of my life.

To start this off, I’m going to a club known as The Gorge, in Dublin in a couple of weeks. Obviously, it’s a gay bar, because why would I come on to women in normal bars here, I’d just get my head kicked in…

I’m going to The Gorge with my friends (lets play the name game), A1, Z, J and possibly A2.
Now, A1 is a tad bit Homophobic, so why she’s coming confuses me some what, but whatever she wants. Now because of this, I’m secretly hoping that some real, Stone Butch comes on to her. Just to watch her squirm, because she HATES it when I go near her. She can’t even hug my friends C or A3 cause they happen to have massive tits (C = 36FF A3 = 34F) and A1 can’t stand breasts being near her, even full clothed in many layers ones… So her being in The Gorge will cause much amusement for my benefit.

Now, I believe I’d be categorised as a, Lipstick Lesbian? I’m I right? (I know I’m Bisexual, not a Lesbian, but what the hell) But I’m not a fan of [Stone] Butch Lesbians. I’m just not. I prefer what’s known as a Chap-stick Lesbian or Soft Butch. Now whether I’d find any in the Gorge is unknown. Whether I find any that are interested in me is another matter entirely. I may find no one and this may be a complete failure! But in saying that I may have a fun time just being there.
Who knows?

Well now that I’ve rattled on about things none of you care about, I will live you to contamplate the travisty that is my love life…

Much Love, Boho grrrl
xXx

I got my Leaving Cert results on Wednesday. Just like everybody else in the country!

For those of you who don’t know the Leaving cert is the big exam at the end of Highschool. You get certain amount of points for each grade, add up your highest six and that your overall points. Each college course has a number of points you need to get in to it.
And for the record, for those of you that wish to find out what I got, hereis the following:

English (Higher) – C3
Art (Higher) – C2
History (Ordinary) – B3
Music (Ordinary) – A2
Italian (Ordinary) – C2
Maths (Foundation) – B2
Irish (Foundation) – B1

I got 240 points (discount foundation Level) The course I wanted was 350. So I didn’t get into that. But I got my 5 passes for my PLC (Post Leaving Cert course) and that’ll get my into the college course I want next year!
 
I feel good now!

How did everyone else do? If they did it, or if they did the A-Levels in England or the SATs in the US? eh?